Abuse is not caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partners abusiveness by changing your behavior. But, he wants you to think you can." ~Lundy Bancroft
One of the hallmark characteristics of a pathological person is to label others. They cannot take responsibility for themselves and their own actions so they blame others for the very things they are guilty of. This is called projection. When a person is healthy they own there bad behavior but a disordered personality will always be the victim and therefore refuses to own his bad behaviors. Instead he projects those behaviors onto others.
"Ann would come in to therapy and say that James says I can never take personal responsibility. I also hear him saying the same thing about his co-workers. Its confusing because really I feel like he is talking about himself."
By the end of these types of relationships the victim comes in and believes the issues in the relationship and its ultimate demise is all her fault. She buys into the pathological narrative that "if she had only done this", or "if she had acted like that" or "if she where more affectionate" her abuser would not have treated her so badly or ultimately discarded her. She is left with self deprecating thoughts of guilt and regret that if she would have done things differently the relationship would be ok.
The problem with cluster B personalities is that they where broken when you found them. You just didn't know it. They disguise their brokenness until it no longer serves them to hide it. You would not blame yourself if someone had a stroke and could no longer function the way they used to. So don't blame your self for the brokenness of the pathological person. Science has proven through brain imaging, neuroscience and neurobiology that the cluster B persons brain is fundamentally not well and as of today cannot be cured. The symptoms of a pathological person are not as prevalent as say someone with mental retardation, but if you hang around long enough the symptoms start to present themselves.
Anger
Cheating
Lying
Blaming
Victim mentality
Low or no empathy
Self centered
Impulsive etc..
James accused Ann of cheating all the time. Checking her phone, going through her social media and messages. Ann always told herself it was because he was insecure. Ann found out at the end of the relationship James had been the one doing the cheating.
Being in this type of relationship can be confusing and devastating. Its hard to wrap your
mind around what just happened. Finding the right support is key to recovering. I can help you through the aftermath and we also offer support groups. Please reach out to me.
"You cannot love a person well". ~Dr. Herendeen
Best regards,
Heather