Updated: Oct 5
Survivors of pathological men start to get hung up on whether he meets the criteria of being a true psychopath, narcissist etc. It is also important to consider that if they have one of these disorders its more than likely that have another. For example he could be a Psychopath with Narcissistic tendencies. But even more importantly woman need to consider that what disorder is present is not really what is important. What is is important is that the outcome is always the same for the victim PTSD, cognitive dissonance, financial ruin, intrusive thoughts etc.
Every one of the Cluster B disorders use similar defense mechanisms to avoid detection and responsibility for their behaviors. It is these mechanism that tear down their victims overtime.
Mirroring- pathological have a 6th sense for what it is that you need and want and begin to morph into what appears to be your "soul mate"
Blame- It will always be someone else's fault. His boss, you, the dog, neighbor etc..
He will always be the victim
He will project all his negative traits onto you (accuse you of cheating, of not taking responsibility, of being a victim etc.) everything that he is.
Gaslighting- convincing you that you are crazy, too sensitive, dramatic, blowing things out of proportion etc.
They idealize and devalue ( as long as you are supplying them with what they need they will idealize you. If something disrupts you from meeting their constant need of you they will devalue you.)
Control, Control, Control
Entitlement - they are entitled simply because they are, not because of merit.
Moves into relationships very fast
Narcissistic Supply - anything or anyone who feed the pathological wounded ego and sense of entitlement to admiration and adoration.
Ann and James met on a dating site. Not long after dating James became involved in every aspect of Ann's life. He was always at her apartment, texted her constantly (even when he knew she was with friends), and moved in after two weeks of dating. (Control and Fast moving). James constantly talked about the wrong his ex-wife and girlfriends did to him. (never taking responsibility and always the victim). He then began to accuse Ann of cheating, started looking at her phone and became hostile toward other men even neighbors. (Control and Projecting James own infidelities). Ann and James joined a bowling league. Although they where both new bowlers James eventually quit because he said he was just good at every thing and could not understand why he was not an EXCELLENT bowler after 6 months of trying. He often said "I'm just used to being good at EVERYTHING?"(entitlement).
Although James had these flaws and continued to control, project and gaslight the relationship continued. When Ann's daughter had to be hospitalized for an extended period of time. James became frustrated because Ann was not their to cater to his needs (entitlement). James said that Ann should tell her daughter to suck it up and she should come home. This is where devaluation begins. Ann is not there to cater to James constant need for attention so he begins to look for Narcissistic supply elsewhere. Ann becomes a bad person in James eyes. When Ann returns home after six weeks in the hospital with her daughter she has been devalued and discarded for James new source of supply, his new girlfriend.
Ann is now seeing James for who he really is a Psychopath with Narcissistic tendency.
There is so much more to James and Ann's story and many others that I will be sharing through out my project as an example of how these harmful relationships unfold.
It can be devastating to learn that the person who pretended to love you does not exist at all. I will talk more about that in my next article on cognitive dissonance which is an important aspect of healing. I can help you if you are suffering from the after math of pathological love. Please feel free to contact me.