Updated: Oct 19, 2021
Gaslighting is when a person tries to separate you from your core beliefs and your reality. It may sound like "I never said that", "Your so dramatic", "That type of behavior is normal you are overreacting". Gaslighting is tactic used to manipulate by planting seeds of doubt in the victim to make them doubt their own memories, sanity and perceptions. The pathological is very good at this but the intensity of the after-trauma and the cognitive dissonance and inconsistencies makes us good at doing it to ourselves.
Maybe it was my fault.
You may ask yourself "What if I was abusive?" "Maybe if I were more affectionate?", "Maybe I should not have put my own self preservation first?" We are not responsible for other peoples behaviors. Of course the narc wants you to believe you are. I mean he cant be responsible for his own actions so he has conned you into believing it was all your fault and you are doing exactly what he has programmed you to do. Accept the blame and shame that belongs to him. Start asking your self these questions instead
What if he had empathy for me?
What if he didn't accuse me of cheating when he was the one cheating?
What if he didn't bring up mistakes I made 20 years ago before he even met me?
What if he didn't physically assault you during sex or call you names?
I'm sure this list is infinite.....
I know he is a psychopath, I should be over this by now.
Look, it was a deliberate process of luring, love bombing, gaslighting, projecting, devaluation and discarding. And it is going to be a process to heal. Healing from trauma is like the lotus flower lying deep in the water covered in mud. Eventually, it makes its way to the surface and blossoms. Judging yourself will not help you blossom any quicker. You have been treated cruelly for so long. Be kind to yourself. Their are professionals like myself who can help you through this process. I also offer groups that will provide a safe place for you to share and build a network of support to help you along in your healing.
When a person has been manipulated for an extended period of time, it is hard even after the relationship ends to trust your own judgements. Part of the healing process is to partner with yourself and to learn to trust your self again. You may ask "Well how can I trust myself when I chose to be in a relationship with an abuser?" This is the time for growth. To look back on the dynamics of the relationships. Make note of the red flags and manipulation. Learn to trust your self as person who now has experienced the harmful affects of psychopathy and use it to your advantage in the future.
If you are struggling, gaslighting your self, obsessing over a relationship you know was harmful. I can help you. Please feel free to contact me.